Digital Goo

I started out in software engineering. One semester later, I was in the midst of my secondary education and English literature programs. After four years, I left college with an English literature degree, and returned to the world of software engineering. Five years after graduating, I think I almost qualify as a software engineer, but then I usually meet someone who is, like, so way smarter.

In the interim, I went through teaching withdrawal and tried to teach at one of those Institute places. Obviously, that didn't last. So, I took on a few individual students in my copious spare time, and have only recently re-discovered the startling fact that there are a lot of rocks in the world.

Let me be the first to admit that I really had no business teaching Adobe Photoshop to a class at that time, simply because I didn't know it well enough to do a good job. However, by teaching it, I learned quite a bit, and I later used that experience in some more advanced design projects, and ultimately felt more confident teaching the software.

And that brings me to Lorum Ipsum. Lorum is to digital art what a Rent To Own electronics shop is to Computing. Ask anyone familiar with computing if a rent to own place has any redeeming high-tech qualities, and you'll receive a very direct and terse answer: no. However, ask the rent to own place, and they will demonstrate an uncanny ability to fool you into thinking they know something about high-tech. I haven't seen such skill since spending time with Ivanhoe Puck and his merry band of bit-munchers. Lorum is one of those people that should you fail to read the safety instructions, then asking them any question is an invitation to have your brain washed, bleached, and pressed. On the subject of digital art, if you give him time to finish his song and dance, you would not only believe Lorum to be a talented digital artist, you very well may believe he invented the concept of digital art.

I fostered Lorum's interest in using Photoshop so that he might apply conventional art faculties towards an employable skill. That was the prelude to my three mistakes. My first mistake was to use my own computer. That's like letting someone who doesn't own a car use yours to learn how to drive. My second mistake was indicating just how sorry a state digital art was in at the time. But, my most regrettable mistake was showing him how to use Kai's power tools. If you were to swap your child's crayola's with an airbrush and call the result fine art, you'd only have scratched the surface.

You see, Lorum was reborn as the master of digital art because he took some fine art classes, he was learning Photoshop, he had discover Kai's, and he labored under the delusion (that I regrettably fostered) that he produced better crap than the other leading brands.

The frustrating part was that he would create such crap and then have the audacity to claim it was better than my crap. My crap is crap, I admit that. So where is the value in claiming that your shit smells better than mine? There is none. Never was, never will be.

Lorum's saving points were that he wasn't the worst digital artist, and could actually back up his fine art skills. However, another individual, Dumpy Carlton, transcended Lorum's behavior on so many levels that he was actually the second person in my life who qualified for my ultimate vengeance: His real name was completely removed from my lexicon (the astute reader might gather Lorum was the third). It wasn't just Dumpy's lack of graphic design abilities, but that compounded by poor hygiene, and, oh yes, using a shareware graphics editor.

Everyone out there who uses shareware graphics design software for their professional projects, please kindly raise your hand. And I don't mean certain open source applications such as Gimp. What? Not one? That's probably because they make great programs for dabblers and as image viewers, but really suck for good design. Dumpy was a firm believer that his shareware suite could be used to create the ultimate Web site, comprised of his eclectic collection of icons, buttons, and some grotesque monstrosities he referred to as art.

My boss called me within an hour of Dumpy posting the site, and nicely asked, "What the hell is that?"

"It looks like Dumpy Carlton has decided to update the site," I replied.

"I just had people call me up and threaten me with bodily harm over that design. Make a new one!"

So, Dumpy's art lasted all of an hour before I had to pull it. But, the pain still lives on.