When You're Saved

Author: Stephen W. Cote

I witnessed Jesus in the shower

In an Herbal Essence lather

I think I saw his lips move, intoning

I'm making it rain just for you

Somebody saw Jesus in a bar last night

Changing water to wine

Or maybe a local beer? hard to tell

It was pretty dark in there

Jesus, did Moses part the Red Sea

Around some arid tract in the Mojave

Water held-at-bay is hard to see

With tracts undulating endlessly

Was that Mary in a cloud over Mexico

Or, a silver alien craft

And, who beamed you up through scattered clouds

Three days after your death

Last night I was praying, say Jesus

Why don't you come 'round here no more?

And a pensive voice answered,

Or asked, you've got to be kidding, right?

I said, say Jesus, no we all want to know

Why don't you come around here no more?

And Jesus beckoned me to rise

And told me to listen close

And he said ...

Fuck no! I ain't comin' round here no more

Haven't you read the news?

You've got Muslims fighting the Jews

You've got some honkeys over here

Fighting some Muslims over there

And some podunk tribes have high yield bombs

And nobody really cares

But, if you want advice then live your life

Like you would when you're saved

And I don't mean lying to and cheating on your friends,

Or killing, or maiming, or hurting other people

Because they're not the same

If you want advice then live your life

Like you'd expect to live with me

Instead of wailing an hour a week

Before a gilded shrine supposed to represent

Whatever your religion calls me

And save your tithe for your own family

And your own beneficiaries

It's robbery to charge ten-percent

While pretending to talk to me

All I'm saying is you won't see

The Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary, or Me

In a cloud, or a shadow, or baked inside,

A piece of pie or fruity candy.

Don't be the short, fat, bald guy

Making his skanky mom a saint; she ain't

So, fuck no! I ain't comin' round here anymore

Not until everyone lives their lives

Like they'd live them as if they were saved

And I don't mean lying to and cheating on each other

Or screwing over neighbors and friends

But you're mistaken if you think

I'll show up again, and go and get myself killed

At least not until you're in the ground

And I know it's safe

So, fuck no! I ain't coming round here no more.

Don't you see the way you treat each other

A lot of the time in my name?

You lot can forget about special dispensation

When you hoard for a rainy day

All I'm asking is that you live your life

Like you'd live when you're saved